Ten.

A Walk Down Memory Lane..10

I had terrible nightmares throughout the night. I kept tossing and turning hoping I could sleep peacefully. I was having one of those nights when I suddenly feel depressed but with no reason. I can feel it in my gut that something is terribly wrong, but I don’t know what. After my many failed attempts to try and go back to sleep when I finished my alfayer prayer, I decided to go eat some breakfast and watch TV.

I opened my door to find the house dark and lifeless. I tiptoed down the hall to the kitchen, I tried not to make a sound but in this dead silence its like I’m dropping bombs with every step I take.

I walked by 9ali7's room and found the door open and the bathroom light switched on.

Ghareeba el3ada esaker kilshay lama ynam, I thought. I peeked into his room to see that the bed was untouched and empty. Ma9adeg, 9ali7 lail7een blduwaniya!!

3elaqty weya 9ali7 wayed ta3adalat o 9arat a7san min gabel el 7mdlaa, even though I didn’t tell him the reason behind my sudden change.

Anyway, I made scrambled eggs and coffee and sat in front of the TV switching between the channels. Wai3 el TV khyaas el9ub7! I continued eating and sipping on my coffee when, suddenly, the front door flung open.

He slammed the door shut behind him and slowly limped to his room. I saw his face and quickly stood up. His face was red his eyes were red and there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

"9ali7," I called.

He froze in his place then looked at me. When he saw me his facial expressions changed, he closed his eyes shut and more tears flooded his face. I quickly ran over to him and held his shoulder. My heart hammered in my chest; I have a bad feeling about this!

"9ali7 shfeeeek sh9ayer??" I asked.

He just wept silently without uttering a word. Without a warning my eyes started watering. I don’t know why my brother was crying, but I just can’t bear to see him that way!

"9ali7 3ashaany ta7achaa goly shisalfaa!!" I begged with a trembling voice.

He looked at me, his eyes swimming in pain, "o-ommy.." then he broke down in tears.

For a second, I thought I've gone deaf. It’s like suddenly everything stood still, time, the sounds and even my heart.

I stared at the shaking 9ali7 between my arms. This means one thing, and one thing only. I just don't want to hear it.

"Sh-shfeeha?" I barely whispered. My throat dried up, it felt like a dry desert.

9ali7 took a deep breath then sighed, "ahhhh 3a6itich 3umrha."

As soon as he said the last word, we both froze and stared at each other.

At that moment, I wished I were deaf because I never wanted to hear those words. I wished I was a table or a chair, with no feelings no sadness no loss. I looked at my brother and all I can hear was the sound of my heart beating. It was beating fast, then it slowly slowly slowed down until I couldn’t hear it anymore, then suddenly everything went black.

-—----------—

Dr. Manar handed me a glass of water and the tissue box.

"Shrbayy 7abeebty mozain tabchen chthy," she said.

After all this time, I still cry like a baby as if I just heard the news every time I remember my mother.

"Asfaa *sniff* bss k-kint min9adma, she left without a warning and without saying goodbye. Byoom o laila troo7 and you have to accept the fact that you will never see her again ever ever ever.." I kept repeating the last word between my sobs.

I hate death. I never really liked it, anyway. Staghferallah.

I never thought that I would live to see her leave this world. I never thought I'd go through that pain. I swear it’s like someone pulled my heart out of my chest and started tearing it into pieces and I can’t even do anything about it. They say loss causes severe heartache but I feel the pain in my whole body. Its like every inch of my body is screaming in pain and denial.

I took a deep breath and continued..

"Mashift'ha bilyom elly tiwafat feeh.. makalamt'ha wala salamt 3alaiha. Mamisakt eed'ha o da3aitlaha o 7asast'ha bwjody. Mashift nathrat'ha wala sema3t elkalam elly galeta gabel la tfareg edinya. Aahhh.. galby yt3a9ar kil mathker ebtesamt'ha o 7ananha o dalalha. A7is enna aby roo7y t6la3 elyom gabil bacher 3ashan aroo7laha o alimhaa wagolaha eny walhana 3alaihaa!!" I said as the tears gushed down my face.

Dr. Manar laid down next to me and wept silently. I didn’t want to make her cry and live my pain with me, but I have to get this out of my chest.

"Bs fee shay wa7id elly mrayi7ny blmawtho3. halshay mkhafef 3alay alaam waayed o 3awaar galb!! Gabel la allah yakhith amanat'ha eb yomain r7tlaha broo7y elmustashfaa o kalamt'ha.."

---------------

I hated this hospital; I hated it with all my heart. I walked through the halls to my mother's room while my stomach twisted and turned. I was nervous. What am I going to say? How am I going to apologize? Will she find it in her heart to forgive me?

"Yallah sitrik yaraaby etsahil yarab!!" I repeated as I finally reached her room and went inside.

As soon as she heard the door open she looked up to see who it was. When she saw me, a layer of sadness masked her face. I hated myself for causing her pain.

I walked over to her and kissed her forehead. I sat on the bed next to her and looked at her through my teary eyes.

She enveloped my hands with her cold pale hands.

"Shfeeech 7abeebty? shfeech tabcheen?" she asked, her eyebrows furrowed in worry.

I hugged her tight and sobbed. I closed my eyes and suddenly, I saw everything that I did to her in the past months playing in front of me. I closed my eyes tighter wanting the memory to fade but it was still there! An image after the other played in front of me, showing my cruel heart and my mother's broken one.

"Monyaa 3ashany ta7achay khba9tay galbyy goleely shfeech??" she begged.

"Yu-uma ana asfaa *sniff* asfaa 3ala kil elly sawaaita wallaa asfaaa," I said between my sobs.

My mother was quiet; I couldn't see her facial expressions.

"Yuma 3ashany sam7eeny *sniff* adryy elly sawaita feech mu shwaya wala adryy!! Kint 7mara o ghabeyya o qalelat el adab o maftihim o entay mtistahlain elly yaachh!" I said as I grabbed her hand and kissed it.

My mother placed her hand on my head and patted it.

"Monyaa 7abeebty bas khalaas ga6a3taay galbyy khalas ana msam7itich akeed basam7ich yaa roo7yy," she said before she started crying.

I gently wiped her tears, "laa yuma latabcheen ebsibity mara thanyaa 3ashany maby akoon sabab dmoo3ich."

"Shlon tabeeny ashofich eb hal 7al o mabchyy?" she said.

Ya 7ayaty ya umyy.

"Laa yumaa ebtasmay ebtasmayy," I forced a smile on my face, "3ad elyoom gilt basaweelich carrot cake adry t7beenha bs walla min etidodih nesait'ha blfirin o 7targaat."

"Hehehe maku fayda feech kila nasya shghlich blfirin!" my mother smiled through her tears.

Ya 7ilwich o ya 7lo ebtesamtichh ya yuma.

"Ee ee chthyy th7kaay walla el Kuwait kilha nawerat min ebtesamtichh," I said as I kissed her forehead.

We continued talking and making each other laugh, but my mother was still hurting.

________________

"Walla lay elyom o ana a7mid raby enna 3a6any elfur9a aroo7 atsama7 min umy gabbbel la tmoot. A7is chnha tan6rny a3tithir lana 3ugubha tiwafat 3ala 6ool" I said.

"El7imdlaa.." Dr. Manar said.

_____________

I opened my eyes and found myself on my bed with the lights open. I lifted myself up and saw 9ali7 lying on the couch with his arm covering his eyes. I looked around trying to remember what happened, all I can feel is the severe headache. As I got out of bed my mobile fell on the floor.

“Monya!” 9ali7 called out as he sat up straight.

“Na3am?” I asked. Wait, why is he sleeping on my couch? I don’t remember anything.

“Ashwa ga3adtay? Shlonich al7een?” he asked.

“Umm zaina 9ali7 sh9aar tara mathker shay!” I said.

He looked at me in surprise, “umm, Monya uhh omy…. Allah yer7amha bra7mita.”

Right.

I felt a sharp pain in my head as the memory hit me. My heartbeats accelerated and my hands started to tremble.

“Laa!” I said.

9ali7 just looked at me, afraid of my reaction.

“9ali7 wadny el mustashfa 7ag umy al7een!! Adry enik ga3ed etgi9 3alay 9ali7 wadnyy!!” I shouted between my sobs.

He came over to me and hugged me, “shhh Monya thikray allah.”

I pushed him away, “wadnyyy al7eeen 9ali77 *sniff* abyy umyy abeeehaa abeeeha.”

My legs felt really week they barely helped me stand before I fell to the floor and sobbed.

فقدتك يا أعز الناس فقدت الحب والطيبه وانا من لي في هالدنيا سواك ان طالت الغيبه رحلت ومن بقى وياي يحس بضحكتي وبكاي وحتى الجرح في بعدك يغزيني واهليبه تصدق قد من حنيت اشوفك في زوايا البيت واسولف معك عن حزني واحس ان انت تدري به شسوي بالالم والآه ولكن البقا لله يصبرني على بعادك وذا حظي وراضيبه