Five.

A Walk Down Memory Lane..5

Everyday kept repeating like a record on replay. It’s like my life hit the pause button and it didn’t want to start playing normally again. You know, it’s very painful to remove the knife that your best friend stabbed into your back.

“Kint mashtihy akil..it was too shoking, 7asait enna ay shay ygdar e9eer 7ata elly maya6ry 3ala el bal! 7asait ena haldinya matiswa y3ny it’s not worth living. Elly saweta Rawan wayed athar feeny!!” I said as the tears streamed down my face.

“Sometimes people don’t know how to handle shock,” Dr. Manar said as she passed me tissues to wipe my tears.

“I thought that every time a person gets attached to someone they must end up hurting, and the pain gets magnified if it was from someone so close to you.. so I made a horrible thing o 7awalt enny abti3id min ahaly because I just couldn’t take any more heart break. I was so horrible to them..”

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“Monya 7abeebtyy may9eer chithyy 7absa 3umrich bildar!! 3ashany fahmeeny shfeech sh9ayer?” My mother kept repeating this for the past two weeks.

My brothers came into my room at first, cracked a joke or two trying to get me to laugh, but now they don’t even pass in front of my room. I have become a heartless monster shouting at them and disrespecting them, I was forcing them to hate me.

“Maku shay!! Cham marra agoolich maku shay khala9 khaloony broo7y IFF!!” I shouted at my mom.

“Madry shfeeha hal bint! Lsanich yabeela gaa9! Mara shkubrich chthyy et7acheen umich???” she said, obviously shocked at my behavior.

“Eee lankum 7anna kilshway a7ad dash 3alay shfeech o shfeech bas 3ad!!” I said through gritted teeth.

My mother gave me a horrified look and rushed out of my room. My heart twisted as the tears fell rapidly on my cheeks. I hated watching my mother suffer because of me, but I didn’t know how to stop it.

I waited till midnight when my parents were sound asleep and my brothers were in some duwaniya. I would lock my door and slowly tiptoe out of the house. Honestly, I didn’t care if they found out about this. I just don’t care anymore. I would drive around town going to nowhere in particular.

I kept repeating this everyday because it made me feel happy and free in a way, also there’s no traffic during midnight so it helps. One day I decided to go to our shalaih, because YOLO. (Don’t hate me for this, lol)

It was 1:30 AM when I arrived at the shalaih, I parked the car and with a pounding heart walked up to the building. I gave el 7aris money and told him not to speak of this to anyone.

It was so quiet and dark. The strong ocean smell swam into my nostrils as I walked to the beach. I threw myself on the ground and laid there listening to the sound of the waves as they stroked the shore. I wanted to forget everything and just lay there forever.

I slowly opened my eyes and had to close them immediately due to the burning sun. Wait the sun??? I checked my watch and it was 8:15 AM. I can’t believe I slept on the sand! I quickly got up and went to the bathroom to shower.

After a couple of hours I got a call from my mother, after a while I got ten missed calls from mom and 4 from my brothers. I really didn’t want to answer and explain myself. Al7een byis2loony alf so2al maly khilg!! I was just about to turn off my phone when I received a text from Zaid.

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“Hal youm magdar ansaa lo shnu! O kil mathkera a7is eb qamta!!” I said as the memory hit me like a wall of bricks.

“The first step to recovery is freeing yourself from the guilt,” Dr. Manar remarked.

“Bas magdar I free myself, I wish I can go back in time and undo what I did,” I said.

“Let this be a mistake that you learn from, didn’t it make you stronger?” she asked.

“It did,” I said as I lowered my head.

“You can’t keep torturing yourself with the same memory, you should try to move on and leave it where it belongs, in the past. Ra7 ta2sirich el thikra o el masha3er o mara7 tgdreen tinsain wala ra7 tgdreen tistansain eb 7ayatich,” she said.

“I will try to stop the memory from haunting me..” I whispered.

“You should put your heart and soul into this, lazim titakhthain qarar o etkoon 3azeemtich qaweya o 9adgeeny 3ugubha t7seen china ham enzaa7 o bt7iseen eb 6a3m el sa3ada!! Now tell me, what else happened that day?” she asked.

One new message, I opened it:

Zaid: Hala Monya shlonich? I know its out of the blue bs ams staw3abt enny makalamtich min radait min America. E9ara7a walaht 3alaich..

You know when something happens to you and you’re not sure if you’re dreaming or if its reality? I kept re-reading the contact name not being able to believe that Zaid actually sent me a message. So many thoughts ran through my mind at once, I didn’t know how to answer him. Or if I should even answer him.

I waited for a couple of minutes and then I caved.

Me: ana el7imdila bkhair, and you? Umm does Rawan know about this?

Zaid: ana bkhair dam entay bkhair :* ya3ny el wa7id maykalim bint khalta? :p

Me: Embala bs akhaf t3a9ib etha darat o tsawy salfa..

Zaid: la latkhafeen mara7 et3a9ib o b3dain mo ga3deen ensawy shay ghala6 3ashan et3a9ib!! anyway how’s life? Qadamtay 3ala watheefa?

He was replying very fast, I on the other hand took my time. 9ali7 my older brother was still calling me.

Me: Good, life is great (I can’t tell him the truth) hows the married life? :p la maqadamt lail7een

Zaid: married life? Khaleeny sakit bas! If I can go back in time I wouldn’t have married her, emyaninatny.

After a few seconds..

Zaid: bs ha Monya hal kalam bainna bas walla maly khilg mashakel.

I didn’t know how to respond to this. I didn’t know if I should be happy that he’s confiding in me, or if I should feel bad for my cousins.

Me: akeed your secret is safe with me. Bs mafahamt laish emyanintik? Sh9ayer?

Zaid: Madryy bs et7in o eti6alab ga3ed afaker etha min awalha chithy shbitsawy feeny ba3dain? Walla monya madry shasawy..

Me: Zaid ta3awath min blees o kalimha golaha shit7is fee! O b3dain awal el zawaj lazim fe mashakil. Bs entaw ba3ad mamdakum!!

Zaid: ee shftayy.. walla madry shisalfa! O ams kint ga3id afaker feech madry laish Rawan mu 6al3a 3alaich :p

Ummmm what the hell is that supposed to mean???? :0

Me: hehe stop thinking about me and fix the problems with your wife.

“MONYAAA!!!” Someone bellowed behind me.

I turned around to see 9ali7 my brother.

“TSTA3BI6AAIN ENTAAY??? ENDIG 3ALAAICH O 7AGRATNAA YAL*****! SHFEEECH ENTAY SHFEECH! UMY 6A7AT BIL MUSTASHFA MIN LIM7ATAT WINTAY 7ATHRITICH HNYY GA3DA,” he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“BA3AAD 7ATA AL7EEN TA7GREEEN? ANA WALLA MANY FAHIM SHFEECH ENGALABTAY 180 DARAJA!” I swear I felt like the walls shook from his loud voice. I shuddered as my mobile vibrated in my hands.

He grabbed my shoulder and dragged me to the car. He threw me in the back seat and kept shouting at me the whole way to the hospital.

I’ve never seen him this angry before, he never shouted at me. All the veins in his face popped out. His eyes were red from all his fury.

You know what’s really sad? I didn’t even care. All his words came in one ear and left from the other.

As soon as we arrived at the hospital..

“Yalla dishay!” 9ali7 almost spit when he talked to me.

“M-maby,” I said.

He widened his eyes and his nostrils flared in fury, “Latkhaleeny a9arikh bil mustashfa Monya dishay agolich umich dakhil!!” he said through gritted teeth.

I just shrugged and rolled my eyes.