Eighteen.

A Walk Down Memory Lane..18

My phone vibrated indicating that I have just recieved a message.

I unlocked it to see what Saad has sent for the millionth time.

"Ha kalamteeha??????"

I started typing..

"Waaay Saad cham marra ts2aal bsmila tawny 6al3a mi---

His call interrupted me.

"Alooo shfeech ma trideen whatsapp?" he asked.

"Bismla enta 3a6aytny majal ar--"

"Enzaiin kalamteeha wela laa?" he asked again.

"Saad shfeek t7in tara kalait gal---"

"Entay laish mata36eeny ejaba mufeeda maby asmi3ich eta7al6main!" he said.

"Hatha yeezay ga3da asawy kil hatha 3ashanik!!"

"Khalas asiif bs awal matkalmeenha goleely o tufka Monya baytheeha," he said before he hung up.

Rawan and I walked into Ashaz and looked for them. As soon as we saw them salamna 3alaihum and I sat next to Lulu.

She wasnt at all as I remembered, or ana ymkin 3abaly ehya wa7da thanya. She was tiny and has long brown hair. Her facial features are cute y3ny she wasn't extremely pretty bs kanat mamloo7a. She has almond shaped eyes and a heart shaped face.

"Waay walla walaht 3alaichh Monya minziman mayeetay lizwara!" Maha said.

"Ana akthaar! Ee walla fashla enshallah ayee lisboo3 elyay!" I said.

We ordered then started chatting. Rawan and Maha were having a side conversation so I faced Lulu,

"Haa Lulu shlon el derasa?" I asked trying to get to know her better.

"Walla el7imdla masheen," she said.

"El7imdla, shnu takha9a9tay?" I asked.

"Marketing, as'haal wa7id haha," she said.

"Ahh malich khlg tadrseen?" I asked with a smile.

"Laa kilishh," she said with a giggle.

"Entay wain tiwathaftay?" she asked.

"Eb sharikat ******," I said.

"Ahh mabrook," she said.

"Allah ybarik feech,"

"Mnu shaaf Vampire Diaries ams kan akher episode!!" Rawan suddenly said.

"Anaa! waaay Damon eyaaninn o Elaina maskeena bt9eer vampire," Lulu said.

"Waay ma6al3aa," Maha said.

"Abaaih nafsy a7iB Damon," I said.

And we started chatting about TVD and all the other shows we watched, meanwhile I texted Saad.

"I talked to her shakilha khosh wa7da allah yaktibha min ni9eebik."

When in reality, something about her bugged me madry madashat galby...

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"Allah yaster eb sitraa, laykon bazi3 mithil Nawalo?" Dr. Manar asked.

"Hahaha laa hathy b3daain  tyeech salfat'ha qaweya," I said.

"Arid wagool allah yaster eb sitra!" she said.

"haha,"

"Enzain sawaytay el method elly gtlich 3anna?" she asked.

"Eee sawaiit o yibt shayy ma3ayy," I said.

She had previously asked me to write down whatever that is bothering me or causing me pain. So I took a piece of paper and jotted down anything that happened and caused me stress. Also, she asked me to bring things with me that left sad memories and so I did.

"Okk 3a6eeneyahum," she said.

"Laa shrayech akher el session, aby agoolich shnu elly khalany ayeebhum awal," I said.

"Yalla khosh fikraa," she said.

"Ok so 3ugub hal6al3a marat elayam 3ady o 6b3an Msa3ad kan ydawer ezala 3ashan ezifnyy y3ny zayed elchaila 3ala golat'hum o I was having the worst week ever!"

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Msa3ad barged into my office and threw two flash drives on my desk.

"Shu hathaaail??" he asked in fury.

I just stared at the flash drives.

"Matrdeeen??"

"Umm flash drives elly 6alabt'hum minny!!" I said.

Seriously stop shouting!

"Adryy enhum flash drives!! Bs laish mu katba 3alaihum shay shlon bafareg bainhum ballah??" he asked.

He told me to prepare two presentations each for a different meeting and he asked me to save each one on a different flash drive.

"Umm magitly ena lazim I label them!" I said.

"Ya salaaam o lazimm kilshay agolich etsaweena? y3ny hatha shay mafrooth etsaweena bdoon la agoolich!" he shouted.

Iff if I was so angry and he was driving me crazy all week and I couldnt take it anymore!!

"Msa3ad ya3ny tg--"

"Mashallahhh!! Msa3ad chthyy bdon estaath wala shay entay mnu 3abalich ga3da tkalmeen??"

I raised my voice a little bit,

"Estaath Msa3aaad tgdaar trakib el flash 3al.computer o tshof which one's which and label them your self!!!!" 

He stared at me for a second, shocked.

"Entay shloon etkalmeeny chthy??" he asked, incredulous.

"Ana kalamtik eb kil e7teram 3aksik bithaab6 kil yoom tzifny 3ala shaghla!! Y3ny a thank you would be nice!!"

"Shoofayy entay yaya hnyy tshtaghlaain mo tyaam3een thank you's!! O marra thanyaa matradideeny fahmaa??" he shouted. He was so angry, every vien in his face popped.

"Etha bag3aad anhan eb shighly kil yooom o anzaaf aqadem steqalty a7salyy!!" I shouted.

"Shnuuu?" he asked through clenched teeth. His face was painted in every shade of red.

"Walla enta bs tzif o t9arikh bs mayhimik how you affect people's feelings!!" I said as the tears fell like a river down my cheeks. "Matadry ena ana mahmoma winta yay etzeed elham!!"

I didnt want to stand there crying in fron of him so I grabbed my bag and ran out of the building. I was so sick of him treating me this way and for unknown reasons!!

Later that night I sat in my room crying my eyes out. You know when you feel too depressed to the extent where you actually feel your chest tightening? It was so painfull and unbearable. I cried and I hoped that through my tears the pain would somehow stop.

I cried because everything was wrong! I remembered my mother and how much I love her and miss her and NEED her. I remember that everytime I felt sad or depressed I'd hug her and miraculously my heart would smile again. But now shes gone and I can't hug her even if I begged for it. At that time I grabbed a paper and a pen and started writing. I imagined that if I could send one letter to my mother, what would I write?

Dearest mother,

I miss you. No, actually I miss you doesn't fully describe the pain I feel it hurts so bad and I try to ignore it, but everytime I go to sleep and close my eyes your face is all I see. My tears starts singing me a lullaby, its like I can't sleep without shedding them. I never forgot you not even for one passing second, because you are my heart. I thought that without you I'd die, and I waited for my death because what is life without you in it? Your memory keeps me going, your smile keeps my heart beating. I just wish I can touch you for the last time. I wish I can hug you one last time and I swear I would never let go even if it means they'll have to drag me in the grave with you. I regret every second I disobeyed you or made you cry. I regret every time I let you sleep with a worried heart. I regret every second I didn't remind you that I love you, because I do, I really do. And evem that word is just too little to describe whats in my heart. I still need you in my life, why did you leave me? You left so suddenly without a warning. You promised you'd stay with me and see my children and share your wisdom with them. But I will always pray for you and that you would come back to me one day, my precious mother.

I crumbled up the partially wet paper from all my tears and threw it in my drawer.

"A3otho bilaa min elshay6an" I kept repeating. "Yarab tir7am omy witghamid roo7ha eljana"

I prayed with a shaky voice from all my tears. My eyes started burning and my head was killing me.

I took out my seyada and prayed o ga3adt ad3y 7g umy. I took out my quran and started reading. And just like that a magical feeling swept over me, its like someone poured cool water on my heart. I've been looking for the answer to my sadness and pain and it was here al along. As I read the words of God, my smile grew bigger and I kept repeating,

"الا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب"؟